


The Autobiography of Ashe Ubert

by TsarAlek



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Autobiography, Blood and Injury, Defeat, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Black Eagles Route, M/M, Minor Character Death, POV First Person, Rain, Threats of Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-12
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-01 05:28:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23120020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsarAlek/pseuds/TsarAlek
Summary: With defeat ensured and death in the innumerable, Ashe recounts the final days of Fearghus and his aimless wandering during the aftermath of the destruction with a limp and nearly lifeless Felix in his arms.
Relationships: Ashe Duran | Ashe Ubert/Felix Hugo Fraldarius
Comments: 10
Kudos: 15





	1. The Goddess is Dead

**Author's Note:**

> For Day 5 of Ashe Week: Victory & Defeat/ Family. No happy. Just angst. Not Sorry. Enjoy!

I stood at the edge of the city. The flames of the fire were hot on my face. The normally chill wind of Fearghus was no longer so cold as I once remembered. Fhirdiad was burning. What would be left after the blaze tore through the city would be a husk of what once was great. The civilian populace was either dead, still fighting, or had long since fled from the city in fear of the advancing imperial army. 

I was alone.

There was nothing left.

I felt like I should have cried… like it was the correct thing to do in this situation. My siblings were dead, they had died of disease in the blockaded capital. Without food shipments… the city slowly began to starve and die. Jesper… Magnolia… my beautiful children- they were gone. They had not survived the failed harvests and blockade induced disease. I couldn’t protect them. I couldn’t save them. My family… I was all that was left- adopted or otherwise. 

Distantly… in the direction of the burning heated wind I heard screams and a feral roar- it was ugly, rage and pain filled. Death was coming for the screaming creature. Rhea. 

_ Is Dimitri dead? _

I scoffed at myself. A stupid question. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. 

I felt a tear roll down my cheek and wind charged with heat sweep over my face. My hair blew back and I felt it… Raw power exploded in front of me some miles beyond where I stood at the edge of death. Flames… raw, powerful… fire, that giver of life, that cleansing power, that instrument of death; it exploded upwards and cast yet more hot wind outwards from its center.

It burned with fury, with rage. I felt the sun break through the clouds above even as they began to weep.

As abruptly as it erupted… it stopped. The sky shed its tears and I knew…  _ It was over. _

Edelgard had won. Rhea was dead. Dimitri was probably dead. My siblings were dead. Felix laying in my lap and coated in a sheet of red was probably dead. Distantly… I realized I would probably die too. Somehow… I didn’t care so much about that. What did it matter if I was to be alone?

Tears poured down my face. I didn’t remember giving them permission to do that, yet, there they were. They fell without my consent, without my input. They obeyed no master, just as fate obeyed no one.  _ Nothing matters. _

I leaned over and swept the blood and sweat covered hair from Felix’s face. There was breath, perhaps he would live. Perhaps though… he was too far gone and would leave me alone in the world. 

Apparently… some part deep inside me was still human. The sobs that tore through my chest as I pulled Felix up into my arms were real, raw, and despair ridden. Felix slept comatose… and I felt emptiness even as my sobs sounded through the barren, charred field outside the burning capital of Faerghus.

The fires raged and the sky poured its tears for Faerghus, now fallen. 

I was utterly alone.

~~~~~

I stood up. Felix was dying. 

As gently as possible, I lifted him into my arms and began to walk. 

I heard moaning beside me, a call for help. In another life… sometime eons before this one I would have cared. To be quite truthful… I would have stabbed the dying man if it meant saving even one person I loved, even one person I cared about. I had killed… been killing for five years. What was one more death of a faceless man if it saved my love or my siblings?

I ignored the cries and kept walking. The man could die in agony alone, I had no pity or charity to spare him.

The burning husk of Fhirdiad spread out before me. I heard flapping… the heated winds blew banners all around me- the sound of their fluttering ruffled through the air.

There was cheering… off to the side. The Adrestians cheered for the death of Fhirdiad, of Fearghus.

Despite the flames burning around me; an unbearable cold settled into my bones. The rain fell, soaked me through. The flames burned. Blood dripped down my face and I continued my march forward, into the unknown depths of the city.

I didn’t see the uneven stone below me and before I could react my shoulder collided with the solid ground below me. Pain burst from the part of my body where gravity pulled me to the cold and unrelenting earth. Felix flew from my arms.

“No. Felix. Come back.” I cried out… reached out, tried to find him. I found only air before me.

“Get a load of this.” A voice chimed out behind me. “What a pathetic display. You lost and now you crawl in the dirt.”

“Felix… Felix come back. I need you.” I could kill him. I could tear his throat out with the knife in my pocket but Felix would not survive if I died here and the soldier no doubt had friends. 

“I’m talking to you. Hey!” The soldier grabbed my burning shoulder and turned me around. I glared at him with the most hate filled look of deathly rage and despair.  _ I would kill you if it could help me in any way.  _ But I didn’t voice my rage filled thoughts. Felix was most important in my mind. Felix. Felix.  _ Felix. _

“Oh. Heh. You won’t live long anyway.” The soldier let go of my aching shoulder and shuffled off to his friends- the rats scurried off to harass some other unfortunate former Faerghun.

I connected with Felix and pulled him close. His gentle and labored breath proved he still lived. His hair was sweat and blood coated. I pulled him close and lifted him into my arms as I continued my hell march to nowhere. “It’s okay Felix… It’s okay…”

No one paid me any mind save for the goddess who deemed now a perfect time to heave yet more torturous rain upon my freezing body. Curse the Goddess. Curse this world. Curse living. I heard muffled gasps and a few shocked breaths as I continued on my soggy way but no one reached out to help. 

“Please… please don’t go Felix. Please stay. Please stay…” My limbs became heavier and heavier as I walked. Felix’s weight in addition to my own was more than I could handle. Curse the Goddess and her accursed rain which only added yet more heft to the load.

Felix was all that I had left. The possibility of saving him was my only goal… my only purpose… else… Else the cold earth seemed mighty welcoming to simply lay down and let darkness claim me for good.

Beside me, I heard the sounds of heaving. Someone was losing their lunch. I could laugh. That had been me some years ago, I had heaved my dinner the morning after my first kill. 

The Goddess… that blasted… foul… worthless Goddess saw fit to block my path again with yet another uneven stone that caused me to crash back to the earth again. My face connected to the earth this time and I felt blood in my mouth as I bit my tongue. 

“Felix… come back.” But I found I had no energy to move. I had no ability to do anything anymore. Felix was going to die… I was going to die… there was nothing left I could do. “I love you. I love you Felix.” I cried out and screamed for him. The rain fell and my tears were as a drop in the ocean before the deluge from the sky. They fell to earth with the rain and seeped into the earth, the cold and unforgiving earth. 

Perhaps they would bury us together if I died beside Felix on the street.

“Ashe?”

A familiar voice spoke from beside me. The sound of heaving ceased and the figure spoke again. 

“Ashe? Are you all right? Look at me. I’ll help.” 

_ Linhardt. _

I didn’t look up to see him. I couldn’t bear to. “Save Felix. Please. Save Felix.” 

I heard shuffling in front of me and Linhardt gulped. Linhardt never could handle blood… not that I had seen him in years or could truly say I still knew him. Lindy… My old friend… my saving grace. Perhaps Felix could live with his help.

“He’s going to be okay. He just needs some healing. None of his wounds were fatal- they all missed the important regions. Look here. Let me help you.”

I refused to lift my head. 

“Don’t be stubborn. I’m not going to leave you here without helping. The war is over Ashe. Let me help you.” 

I felt tears stream down my face. “I’m sorry Lindy.”

“The war is over. You fought, I fought, we all fought. It’s over. There’s nothing to be sorry for.”

“No… I’m sorry for this. Please… help me.” Linhardt was not going to come out of this unscathed.

I looked up to my old friend, but I didn’t see his reaction. What I heard was a sharp intake of breath and the sound of Linhardt gag and attempt to keep his insides inside. 

“Oh goddess.” I heard him fall to the ground and the sound of yet more retching.

I didn’t see it. I didn’t see anything. My eyes had been all but gouged by a cut across my face- and over the bridge of my nose. Distantly, I realized I likely wasn’t crying: not water at least. The wound over my eyes that would render me forever unseeing bled yet… those tears were of blood. Linhardt wretched his insides up and began to cry. I had never heard him cry before.

It was a sound that will haunt me until the end of my days.


	2. Farewell, Knighthood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blind, hobbling, half deaf, Ashe and Felix survive the end of the war and make quite the impression when asked to swear their fealty to Adrestia- the victor of the war. Where do they go now? What do they do? Ashe recounts his final days in Fodlan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Day 6 of Ashe week: Pride/Knights. Enjoy the conclusion of this sad and angsty fic!

I suppose I should be grateful that I survived. Really, I am only happy that Linhardt managed to save Felix. 

What happened next is still a foggy blur: I remember soldiers locking us up in chains and a long long ride to Enbarr. I don’t remember much else except shock at hearing Dimitri alive and well standing atop the stairs in the throne room. 

Dimitri hadn’t died. He had been spared by the Empress of Blood- as she was widely known throughout her conquered lands. Hilarious. She spared Claude and Dimitri yet overwhelmingly it was the common people who died in the war she started to end religion. So much for being someone who wanted to overturn the system, to free the people. The nobles survived and the peasants died. It was enough to make me sick and in fact I spat directly on the Adrestian flag rather than swear my fealty to it. They had best be happy I didn’t have a torch or it would have gone up in flames.

Felix followed my suit. He also spat upon their flag and renounced his noble title. Felix threw his sword of Zoltan at the feet of the Empress and said he would never come back to Fodlan, never serve her in any capacity; he said he would rather die.

We seemed to make somewhat of an impression when we spat upon the flag of Adrestia and cursed the name of the Empress of Blood. 

Linhardt… Caspar… Marianne: they followed our lead, with less saliva but a refusal to serve her. Her advisors called for our deaths: heads upon spikes… execution, hanging, so many ugly ways to go. 

She wasn’t so foolish… or at least Hubert wasn’t.

I had a fast acting vial of airborne poison in my pocket. I always carried it with me. I would never voice it aloud but a painless death by poison was far preferred to death by sword or lance. If she had attempted to do anything to Felix… the last person I loved in this accursed world then I would have killed us all. 

It would have been easy. So easy. It wasn’t as though my hands were clean. My arrow pierced many to death in those five years of war. 

What was a room full of bloated nobles, murderers, soldiers, former allies, former enemies and more? Perhaps I would have done the world a favor. 

There was no need. I made sure to flash it in such a way her shadow would see and know that I meant to kill us all if they moved against me or Felix. He would never endanger her. Lord Vestra was the most knightly of us all- you had best believe. I would have savored seeing the look in his eyes when he noticed it. He was the one who suggested she pardon us and let us off with simple banishment. 

She didn’t question him- just told us to leave. We didn’t have to be told twice and turned to leave with haste.

~~~~~

We… we were free. My siblings were dead. My family was gone. The country I always knew flew a black eagle atop a red backdrop over the “Castle,” if one could call the husk that remained a castle, in the hollow center of Fhirdiad. I was blind. Felix lost hearing in one ear and walked with a limp. We were free. 

He was right. He was right all along. Knighthood was a sham. I smile now at the naivety of my younger and bright eyed self. Knighthood… allegiance to one’s country… it killed my siblings, it killed so many people. Forget it all. 

All that mattered was life and its preservation. I had failed to learn that and my siblings would never open their bright green eyes again because of it. I… wouldn’t open my bright green eyes either and even if I did… there was only darkness to see.

Felix and I left the city. Linhardt, Caspar and Marianne left as well. Perhaps we will meet them in Almyra. We never looked back. We didn’t go back to Fraldarius for money. We didn’t go to say goodbye to the smothering ruins of Fhirdiad. We did… say goodbye to my siblings. 

I will never forget it.

I will never forget the sobs that tore through my chest as I placed flowers upon their simple graves next to Lonato and Christophe in the former Gaspard lands. 

They rest atop a hill… below an orange tree. I hope they eat its fruit forever in the afterlife- chasing each other and playing… laughing… waiting for me. I hope they don’t mind… I love Felix and he will be joining us for eternity when I draw my last breath.

As we leave the hill for good… I realize when Fodlan’s throat crosses behind us that I will never again set foot on this continent. It is… such an exhilarating thought.

~~~~~

I can only imagine the sunset. I can no longer see its beautiful rays. I can no longer enjoy the bright hues of orange and red… purple where the red meets the receding blue… there are no more pink and golden rays. I feel the sun’s decent all the same. I feel the chill in the air as darkness settles over the earth and the chilled northern winds blow. 

Felix keeps me warm at night.

I wake up beside him, holding him. Sometimes I cry into his shoulder. Sometimes… he cries into mine. He’s honestly terrible at expressing himself. I will always be here for him when he needs to let it go. He is… such a fool. And I love him so dearly. 

~~~~~

Tonight… we cross Fodlan’s throat into Almyra. It’s rather warm there- half of the country is desert and the other half is dry steppe. We will no doubt be wearing much less clothing from now on. Claude has said we can go wherever, do whatever we want. He’s purchased us a house in the capital, offered us official positions, offered us whatever we want. 

All I want is a little peace and quiet and to have Felix tear moans from me as we love and live as we have so rightly earned.

I won’t miss Fodlan. I don’t look back- not that I could anyway- but I don’t look back in my mind’s eye either. We leave behind ugly memories, death, destruction, flames. We go forward towards the rising moon and endless desert before us. 

The only thing that I find myself missing is my siblings.

I think I’ll likely cry again for them again as we pass over the mountains.

Our new lives await. Behind us Dimitri and Edelgard will reforge Fodlan. I find that I simply don’t care. 

~~~~~

If I could go back and teach myself something… it would be this.

_The only three things of importance are: the lives of those you love, your own life, and the lives of people beyond that._

Nothing else matters beyond these things. Chivalry… knighthood… loyalty to an unliving banner or idea… are all utter garbage. Those only lead to death, death, and more death. A flood of fire washed over Fodlan for Edelgard’s ambitions. I rose, others rose, we all fought, it was all pointless.

Blind loyalty to Adrestia- to Fearghus- to any nation is simply foolishness. They aren’t worth your sacrifice.

Loog… was a fool. He was a strong and chivalrous fool who has managed to help drive home a pretty lie of self sacrifice and duty.

Don’t sacrifice yourself for foolish ideals of chivalry. Live by whatever means necessary. 

I… intend to do just that in Almyra with Felix. 

I don’t think I will miss Fodlan. 

I won’t miss knighthood and its ideals.

I won’t miss anything. All that remains there is blood.

~~~~~

The burning sun is oppressive on my back. I have stripped from my heavy Fearghus clothes into simple white desert attire. Felix has done the same and I lament my inability to see him in such revealing clothes. 

Ahead of us… the vast desert awaits. Our new lives await. A simple home in a new city in a new world awaits. 

Despite the dry and barren wastes in my heart… I feel a tiny seed of what I dare not call hope sprout. I won’t nurture it. 

Still. When Felix grabs my hand and kisses it… and I run my hands over his barely covered body… I feel the seed grow, just a tad. 

Time will tell if this plant grows into a beautiful flower or if Almyra is the final straw that seals my heart in eternal stone.

I have no hope but I wish for the former.

Only time will tell.

_From the Autobiography of Ashe Ubert- Circa Imperial Year 1187_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My how I turned the prompt on its head. Ashe losing that naivety- that devotion to chivalry- I always wondered what it would look like and I enjoyed exploring it just a bit! I hope you've enjoyed reading!

**Author's Note:**

> Tomorrow is one more chapter.


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